...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
