You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
