I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
