Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
