On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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