How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
