have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
