you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
