i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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