Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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