3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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