In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
