The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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