first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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