My cat gives me a boner
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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