Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
