i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
