My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
