My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
it was like eating out sand paper
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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