The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
