so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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