My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
