i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
