dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
