the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
