i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's rum buckets o'clock
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
