there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So vagazzling was a success
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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