omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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