think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
