He asked to "fluff my boner.."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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