what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
