Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
