You just made me feel so damn special
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
