Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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