I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
