Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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