Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
