Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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