I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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