I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
