im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
