I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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