i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
