I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
