i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
