Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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