i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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