Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
