I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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