Im at strip club and am horny
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
