honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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