matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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