his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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