You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
