I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
