Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
