I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
