My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You made out with two different species that night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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