Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
